Very high torque, augments household hot water supply, multifuel capability

Extensive plumbing, noisy, condensation, immense weight, constant maintenance, excessive heat, slow startup, slow stop, fuel costs, fire hazard, potential explosion hazard

This excellent high-fidelity turntable also doubles as a record lathe, an edge miller and grinder, and a heavy-duty potter's wheel. Its advantages are high torque and the ability to utilize a wide range of power sources. Its chief disadvantages are its immense size and weight, fuel consumption, heat, condensation, and extensive plumbing requirements. Also requires Class 3 steam engineer's certificate. Some risk of explosion. Professor I. Lirpa's unusual and unique designs never fail to inspire!

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Ever since I afounded The A******* S**** over 20 years ago, based on the premise of reproducing the sounds of real instruments in real space, we have made tremedous strides in furthering that goal. But even I, uHP, could scarcely have imagined that an obscure engineer, Dr. I. Lirpa, working alone in his Balkan laboratory, would advance that cause one giant step closer to reality. But, we could not have arealized that without our apresent reference system, which in its current incarnation, includes the Porcini PipeSmoke speakers, the Wobble D6002 amplifiers and johnson and johnson ARTY reference preamplifier, which has allowed us to see further into the soundstage than ever before, indeed, beyond the back wall and into the adjacent alley. Of course, prior to this, we had reported on those rare components that had allowed us to reproduce the sounds of real instruments. But, so what? For no component, up to now, has allowed us to reproduce the sound of real space, and if I have averred that such had been achieved in the past, I was wrong. Until now. And so, to business - the Lirpa Labs Lirpa Turbo Steamtable.
We set up this remarkable instrument in Listening Room 3, along with the aformentioned reference system. After sitting in the reference chair, no mean feat considering the number of shoehorns and crowbars required to squeeze into the remaining space, the first record on the table was the Weavers at Carnegie Hall, and I sat agog. Then, I lowered the cartridge onto the turntable. And sat agog. Again. In the past, I had ajudged that this record allowed you to delineate the acoustic of Carnegie Hall like no other, both its virtues and its faults. But not until now had even I realized how true that awas. Alistening past the music, I was not only able to tell the composition of the floors, wall and ceiling, and the approximate age of the building, but for the first time, able to accurately count the number of footlights on the stage, and incidentally, which three were burned out. As the A******* listener, I would ajudge that with this quality alone, the Lirpa Steamtable stands alone at the pinnacle of the state of the art. But, I would be amiss in not commenting on other felicities of this turntable, and such I call it if only because I have not yet developed the language to call it anything else. But it is so far in advance of other turntables that to call it by the same name would seem churlish. You can be sure that by the next issue, I will have come up with appropriate language to name this instrument. It is aneutral to the yin-yang, although the bats in my belfry reporrt a slight diminution at the highest frequencies. The bass, as one would expect from the Balkans, is as solid as its tank-like construction (rumor has it that the bearing of the Lirpa turntable is actually surplus from Yugoslav tank turret bearings). Low frequency impacts hit like a howitzer. As a footnote, I will note that the midrange is mostly obscured by the steam hiss but this is a minor cavil, considering its extraordinary strengths in other areas. Clearly, I have yet to take the full measure of the Lirpa - when a component such as this appears which so overwhelms the competition, my critical faculties are disarmed. I spent literally hours listening to old favorites just for the pleasure of it. I know that the Rothschild preferring ACHOO frowns on the liquid transparency which only steam can add, but I continue in my child-like enthusiasm for its many qualities. And the price! A mere $750,000 including the cold fusion reactor which allows us at last to be free of the vagaries of Con Edison. I am agog. More to come.

This is the perfect turntable for Y2K. It will heat the house, and keep you and your family warm during the cold winter nights, even if Y2K cuts all the power.
With the optional Steam Generator module, you can be certain you will have power at Y2K, and during power outages. That's Lirpa reliability.

As well, with the Steam Calliope attachment, you can have live music any time you wish. You will be the envy of all your neighbors for miles around.

Believe me, there is no turntable anywhere like this. The performance and features are absolutely unbelievable.

It's a serious babe magnet

Rumored to be a Lawrence Welk, ahem, personal device used with the Lennon Sisters during the polka-polka.

I happened to have borrowed the Liberace original Lirpa and was listening the White Album backwards, and I heard these little squealy voices in the background that I never heard before, like Patricia Barber had been cast as the munchkins' voices. The Lirpa drew me so far into the subtlest of detail and absorbed me so utterly that I started channeling Liberace himself and none other than he, his be-sequined self, told me that this was a babe magnet, the best, bar none. Well, my eyes rolled way up in my head, just like when you realize that that $6K you just spent on a tube preamp made your fillings talk to you, and I was in a whole new plane of existence where the women were, how shall I say it, of the right timbre and deeply bass. You can just imagine how well those horn speakers were playing. Yes siree-bob, I was converted right then and there. I wanted my own Lirpa the way Jerry Lee wanted his niece. But having now looked for one to do more than rent in every flea-bitten gin joint in town, only to have found snaggle-toothed replicas, I beg you: sell me your prize. I'll pay, I'll pay.

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Rhino horns, Ripple, lots of stuff that really didn't work, like Men Are from Mars, Something about a Venus.

superior sound to any known source

heavy man, real heavy!

having read all the reviews on this product i was a tad curious. this device appears to be the answer to all the questions of the universe. i had to be the first of my friends to have one. i ran into a deadend at all the local audio shops, none had heard of the steamtable or lirpa labs. i knew that the internet would help. the net showed a web site by "steamboat willies" that sold army-navy surplus, porn movies and vintage audio equipment and was located in cleaveland county close to home. when i called the owner was impressed by my knowledge of the steamtable but more amused that i wanted to own one. after convincing him that i was not another crank caller from "audioreview" he gave me encrypted directions that required that i play the white album backwards while putting baloney in my shoes. things were becoming clear, the steamtable wasn't for just anyone. i arrived and was impressed. i nearly forgot why i came after seeing their porn collection, but willie reminded me of my true intention. he had his assistants burford and red remove the hugh tarp that covered my audio holy grail! well i was more than a little disappointed. it looked like a rusted out abandoned boiler with wires and tubing and gauges hanging everywhere! 'how the hell is this piece of crap supposed to play records' i asked. willie just shook his head, another non-believer...he said 'kid this is the greatest musical device ever concieved' he had burford climb inside to fire it up. a week later steam started to erupt from behind the unit, i became very excited but red said to calm down that it was just the chinese laundry next door. a week later i felt what seemed to be an earthquake. willie smiled and said 'kid prepair to meet god!' i heard what seemed to be angels, like nothing i had ever before. red said to calm down it was the choir at the 'last baptist church' practicing. a week later things were starting to cook. unbearable heat, a smell that would knock a buzzard of a manure waggon and steam...beautiful steam. willie smiled and said 'kid, whadda ya what to hear?' well since i was near the home of the greatest bluegrass artist ever born i wanted to 'flatt and scruggs'. a week later i could faintly hear the throaty vocals of lester flatt, then louder but clear as a bell the roll of the banjo of earl scruggs! it kept building louder and louder it was the "ballad of jed clampett". lows that would stop your heart, highs that would make your ears bleed. i noticed that willie and burfords ears were bleeding and red had dropped dead of heart failure. my attempts at CPR were futile. i had to stop and listen, nobody could stop me from buying this turntable now. 'wrap it up and deliver it' i said! willie just smiled and sais 'kid, you know how heavy this thing is?' reality set in, i couldn't get it home. just as deep dark depression started to set in willie said 'don't worry kid, any time you got a free month come on by and we'll fire her up again'. a lesson to all that read my sad story, you might be able to find the holy grail, but you can't move mountains! but by all means if you get the chance go by and have willie fire one up!

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Ability to fit into any room.

Might not ever be able to find it again...

After my last review of the LirpaDavidson, Lirpa Labs decided to let me become the new testperson for all new model Lirpas. I was flattered, and couldn't dare turn down such an opportunity. I just recently got my new test Lirpa... all you Treckies out there will love this limited edition (not one of a kind) Lirpa ShapeShifter.
Modeled from the shapeshifter character in Star Trek, this Lirpa takes on an entire new aspect to home intertainment, without losing any of that classic Lirpa sound that we have all come to know and love. If you are not a Star Trek fan, don't fret! This particular turntable will go over big with the ladies! No longer are the days of the huge, hard to manuver Lirpas of the past! Oh no, this one will discretely fit into any room of the house, and if it doesn't match the decore, then simply read the manual on how to get it to change shape so that it does!
You can make this Lirpa look like an addition wall to the room, or a sofa (though it is not as comfortable as my LirpaDavidson). The only thing that cannot change shape is the port for steam exaust. Make sure that you point this away from all walking paths of the room... there could be err.. ramifications. I still have not mastered the shapeShifter Lirpa as of yet, but I am pleased with the way it blends into any room. I look forward to my next Test Lirpa.

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can bench press 300lbs, natural habitat for small animals, promotes rain forest growth

Rain forests tend to grow in my living room, mandatory 7 year break in period

I was fed up with so called "hi-fi" stereo equipment, so I went on a hunt for something...sureal. I found it one day when I was walking down an alley in New York and I heard the sweet sound of angels. Little did I know that it was what I later learned to be a Lirpa original. Donald Trum had lost his fortune, and was now homeless. He was forced to sell all he had with the exception of his Lirpa. Turns out that he was living in it until he got back on his feet. When I asked him about it he told me that Lirpa Labs make only one turntable every year, and each one is different. He had the beautifully crafted "Lirpa-De-Milo" and wasn't going to get rid of it...ever. She was beautiful, and only 7,000 lbs. He said that they were expensive, and they take up to 7 years to break in before they sound nice. I didn't care; I was in love.
Convinced that I had to have one of my own, I set out to find one. I won't tell you how I managed to finally get one, because there might be law-enforcement personelle reading... I finally "Convinced" the owner of my Lirpa to sell it to me.
I saw it, and it was beautiful. It was originally the one and only "InagodaeLirpa" baby, but the owner had problems with it, and sent it back to the factory for repairs. When it returned, it was better than ever. They had converted it to the Lirpa-Davidson with a 5,000cc turbocharged engine. If you have never done wheelies down the street while blasting Iron Butterfly on your Lirpa, you must. Cops give you the strangest looks. I got a ticket because my lirpa didn't have any licence plates on it, but who really thinks of registering a turntable with the DMV???
So I got it home and set it up. Thankfully this model was over 7 years old, so it already sounded great. I filled up one of two tanks with water. Since I wasn't going to ride my lirpa anymore, I didn't need to fill the other tank with gas. Good thing I read that in the manual or there could have been some serious explosions going on!
I was ready to play. I went to Walgreens and picked up some plutonium to heat the steam-driven turntable, and I was jammin! My house developed its own atmosphere. A hurricane came out of nowhere, and blew in from the south part of my living room, and dessimated its way through my kitchen. Floods came, rodents lived with me, and I think one of my kids got the plague (I sent him to school anyway... builds character). The manual said put it in a well vented room, but I didn't listen. All in all, I would do it all over again because the sound was just that good...
what the hell, I can always have more kids, but I don't think I would ever be able to find another Lirpa!

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Yes, it really is very strong. Stronger than Samson. Stronger than Hercules. Stronger than Dirt, even!

Hard to set up. Heavy. Ugly. Smells bad when the wind is from the South. Replacement parts are almost impossible to find.

Well, what can I say... while the concept is brilliant, the Lirpa fails in its execution. And then there's the ants... always the ants!

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makes a noise

noisy

At a recent coffee club meeting, BJ and Hillary took a lot of money off me and in return gave me this thing. They said you had better get it now, or else we will lift it on the way out in January.

At first I couldn't make it work, but after a very extensive 2 second burn in it started to open up, fantastic soundstage. After a much longer burn in, maybe 5 seconds, the 3D imaging left me weak. Soon enough it was really performing and I can only say that the old Leak turntable had met its Waterloo. Sadly it was stolen by some Chinese chaps before I left the coffee club, oh well.


Lippo.

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Only blew up 16 times in the recent past, but as soon I am out of the hospital recovering from my latest adventure with it, that'll be fixed

Don't make 'em any more

I am the first owner of this fantastic, if somewhat intimidating device. Bought it back in 1865, the hammersmith in my village saying I ought to have it. I bought it straight away just to avoid more hammers being thrown at me that day, not knowing for what a treat I was in! I thank the hammersmith posthumourously for his great lack of service. Had to do it all myself! I am so proud now! And happy! I still don't have a clue as to what it does since mine seems to be some kind of a grey import from china, at least the manual seems to be written in chinese. Haven't found anybody to translate it for me.

After the 30th trie it finally was somewhat assembled, when turning it on my house set on fire. Decided to live in open air since then.

It worked never since, but I am all to happy just to own this beautiful beast!

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